As usual I was just browsing some blogs , and I came across quite a few of them on the state of Indian women today.
As I am reading them , I have confusing thoughts myself . Do I have the same feelings as they have and do I think in the same direction? So here is this post to sort out my thoughts and feelings in this aspect.I have put few questions to myself and tried to answer those .
But most of my thoughts are based on what is happening around me and not with me , and so I might not be fully right in my views. My opinion is that you can only know the truth and what exactly is one going through , the causes for such a situation ,etc only when YOU have gone through it. Everything else is just an opinion(sometimes biased) and perspective of a person viewing the whole situation from outside.
Here we go :
1.Is feminism one of the main reasons for an increase in divorces?
- No. In past ( and in present ) too there were lot of marriages which went wrong , but due to many reasons( mostly due to fear of reactions from society ) , the couple adjusted and compromised even though they were not happy with the marriage and lived like unhappy strangers in the same house. I would say though not legally separated , this was a case of divorce too. So it is a good thing that two persons who have decided that they cannot live together get separated and take their own paths.BUT the relationship should be given enough time and chance before it is ended.
2.Regarding marriage being thrust upon a girl
Yes , this is a big problem. I have experienced this myself and I also see people around me going through this.I would say that getting married is a person's own choice and others have no role to play here and all their opinions,suggestions and advice are unasked for and not welcome ( I think this is something I myself should follow too , and have not done so few times in past ) .And it is high time that parents start realizing that girls should be given enough time and independence for settling down with a life partner. They are mature enough to take care of themselves and can plan their life.But yes , I would say , marriage is a good thing to get into.It is not just responsibility and commitments but also a relationship where in you have someone always with you to support you emotionally and with whom you can share your happiness and sorrows :).
3.Is marriage a barrier for an woman in her career/studies/any other aspirations?
No.Not at all.Yes I agree that once married we will have some responsibility towards the family and before taking any decision, we might have to consider a few more aspects ( which we need not if we are single ) , but if our goals are clear and we have a strong will to achieve them and have proper plans in place,marriage is not at all a barrier for achieving any of our dreams.
4.And finally , do I hate being an Indian woman?
No , I do not hate it as such. But yes , sadly it is true that the state of women in India is far worse than most of the countries.I am not really sure how happy women are in other countries.If I have to speak for myself , I am happy here in India having a loving family supporting me ,studying what I was interested in and also working in an area of my interest.But , yes , it is not the same in all cases , and I have seen lot of women struggling with their day to day lives so much so that after sometime they even forget that they had some ambitions and aspirations for themselves.So to this , I would say , yes it is difficult being an Indian woman, but I for myself, do not hate it.
Below are the blogs about which I was talking about :
http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2010/10/22/feminism-has-gone-to-womens-head-divorce-has-become-like-selling-onions/
http://nirjharani.blogspot.com/2010/10/yes-i-am-single-so.html
http://heyithinkthisway.wordpress.com/2010/07/27/i-hate-being-an-indian-woman/
12 comments:
well said Rash..Somehow i hv seen many girls giving up their ambition after marriage(at least in 80% of the case). is it just coz of those responsibilities ? some ppl even brand it as sacrifice or they just get into the comfort zone wher they think they hv everything in their life ?. I really appreciate if a girl has the will to do the things on their own and pursue their goals...
The first question/answer is very thoughtful.... :)
A very thought provoking post..!! It almost changed the way I think. Indian marriage is a very complicated affair.. Or people make it complicated??!!
"What will people say?" is always the question. It's ridiculous how every single decision is taken with this in mind rather than trying to know what WE want..Myself included..
@krishkn--i guess u r talking about the 80% of the ladies whose ambition in life is to get married!!..:D..so once it is achieved then they HAVE to give up their ambition right!!..to be frank i am yet to come across only a handful of gals/guys who genuinely has a "goal" in life..other than making money and raising a family how many of us really have some "todos before we die"????most of us lead a life just to make the society (which is again comprised of copies of ourselves)believe that all is well with us..we r also happy..we are also progressing in life..but sadly the more we live like this ,the more we die!
Well Questioned an Well Answered.
My Opinions:
Every arranged marriage in India is a forced upon affair.... :D..The first time a parent asks her daughter " Shall we start searchin a guy for u", the default answer is a Big NO :P..
Marriage is always a hindrance for a gal to achieve her dreams.. :D :). I have not seen any person who has followed her dream after getting married :).. BTW Rash, i m counting on you.. Prove me wrong... Last time i asked u, u said "I am still confused".. Do follow ur dreams!!!
Hating being an Indian women is a sin :P..
check out the video
http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=115884035137366
I agree with you...and it is true that a girl need not give up her dreams and goals when she gets married. It might help to discuss her concerns with the future partner. If a man appears to think it is not possible for a marriage to be successful without one partner giving up their dreams - then she has the time to make up her mind.
Some other people may have never given a thought to a woman wanting to give up the luxury of 'just sitting at home', some other families might expect her to devote her time taking care of her spouse's family - it is better to find out what the guy (and his family, if he would like to include their opinion in the decision making) expects from his spouse.
It is really sad when the couple does not get to interact - the elders make promises on generally the girl's behalf, not always finding out what she feels.
I think all the problems are solved when the marriage is not seen as the only goal in a girl's life.
And I agree with you marriage is a wonderful thing if it is a happy, healthy relationship.
I had loved this test, maybe you would like to take a look...
http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2010/02/02/is-your-relationship-healthy/healthy/
I have a Ph.D on this topic already, the guys' version that is.
Yes Krish , we ( girl or guy) should not give marriage as an excuse for not doing anything worthwhile in life :) but I don't deny that taking up family responsibility , and bringing up your children in good way is also not an easy task and if somebody's ambition is actually getting married and having a nice life with husband and children , that is their wish.
So , my viewpoint here was not that everyone must and should work/continue education/have a goal,etc after/before marriage. I wanted to say that if anyone has any ambition,its in their hands to materialize them.But if anyone wishes to just marry and stay happy,that shouldn't be criticized too.So, finally its all a person's choice :)
Yashu , In what way did change the way you think? :)
Yes John , I am still a bit confused ;) but will execute my plans for sure :)
@IHM : Thanks for visiting my blog :)
Yes , the "arranged marriage" is executed in very wrong way here. It should be arranged only after both the girl and the guy have no confusions/questions about entering into wedlock and have been given enough time and space to discuss everything they would want to.
Yes it is really a sad case where a girl gets married trusting her parents' decision, which might turn her life into a disaster..
@Pavan : Why don't you write about your research work? :P :D
Hey Rash!! good post!!...
True.. marriage ......sometimes turns out to be a fairy tale!! and sometimes disaster!! which every indian girl is scared to get into!! ofcoz it has its good effects and a part of life to be must experineced :-)
Agree marriage is a thrust on girl!! But,For many reasons(as you said society is one) people dont get separated or force you into marriage,could be for dignity reasons,security reasons etc. Is india safe enough for a girl to live alone...!! and isnt that one of reason why our dear parents wants us to get into it so we are safe in that best man's hand they choose for us. Agree few times the "best man" they choose isnt best enough for us. I hope greater percentage of parents in india have come a long way now to understand this and support you to take your decision.
And Yes.. girls goto/have dreams beyond husband children and we will execute them.. in case if we dont doesnt mean we dont have one/failed to execute it, we probably have done a better job than we have thought of ... :-)...
hmmm... my turn's yet to come to experience this.. well ofcoz m scared.. :D
I know this is a pretty old post, but wanted to put up some of my thoughts here (make that lots :-D):
1) Goals - The fact is that sometimes the "goals" we think of in college are not really the "goals" when it comes to a later point in life. So the goals and the priorities change. In college, I wanted to be a manager by the time I was 30 and own my company in another 10 years (hehehe, it was my standard answer for HR interviews and I really did believe in it then, but it kinda feels silly now). I have realized that every man/woman's goal in life is generally to be happy and have a satisfactory life. If you are giving up basic happiness in pursuit of a degree or career, then whats the point? I have seen couples living away from each other or sending children away to their parents far off just so that they can satisfy their so-called goals. If they are really happy, then kudos to them. But I don't get that you sacrifice your present, just for a future you are not even sure of. So when you say women "give up" their dreams, I say their dreams have changed :).
2) Marriage being thrust upon a girl - I agree with this since I have faced this. Which is one of the reasons why I don't pester even extremely close friends regarding marriage or kids. I feel its kinda a violation of privacy. That being said, I can certainly see the reason behind why people do pester -
a) As you get older, its difficult to find a spouse of your choice. I have seen this happen to a couple of friends. Its like your criteria remains the same, but the pool of guys who meet your criteria is smaller and smaller. And it becomes very very difficult to compromise. Which will not be the case when you are say, 24.
b) This is personal but I firmly believe that a couple needs atleast 2 years of marriage before deciding on kids (well, accidents are obviously the exception :-D). Unless you know what your spouse is and what living with him/her is, how can you commit to a huge responsibility like a baby? So keeping that in mind and that its difficult to have kids after 30 (especially after 35, the pregnancy becomes automatically a high risk one), you have to get married atleast by 27 :). I know that celebrities have kids at 40 (unlike normal people they can have high medical care) and you can adopt etc. But reality is something different when you really want kids of your own. Plus there is the fact that the younger you get married, the younger you'll be when your kids are adults (which is good, since you maybe responsible for college fund etc). Not very romantic, I know :-D.
3) Indian women vs. women in other countries - we have issues, they have issues too. Albeit in different contexts. I have been here in the US for 5.5 years now, so do have a perspective as such. Yes, they are not forced into marriage, but I have seen single women aged as high as 37, still struggling to find love. They don't have the arranged marriage concept here - but imagine going through many multiple relationships before you find the right one, just because you don't have some firm criteria in place. Thats no cake-walk either. Yup there are many successful marriages, but divorces are more. Atleast divorced women in our county have some family support, here too though some do have that, many don't. There are many single mothers struggling to bring up babies while working. Plus there is major suffering of self-image issues which I'm sad to say is spreading to India too. "You have be this thin to be beautiful" just doesn't cut it for me.
The whole point is, for each of us our particular issues are a big deal. Just because somebody has money or somebody has met their goals, doesn't mean that they are happy. Its us who decide our threshold of happiness. And the thresholds vary as you grow older. As long as you are happy, you need not fit into any "prescribed" rules for women (or even men). But to understand this, it takes a lot :).
Yes , I agree with you Deepthi , but I also feel that nature has been unfair to us women in having such age restrictions in biological cycle :(
And yes , to each our own and we shouldn't compare our lives to others and make our happiness depend on that.
Nice one Deepthi , very neatly elaborated :) .. 'Dreams getting changed' ....isn't same as go with the flow ?.. Ya satisfaction is more important life :) ..... Hopefully Indian marriage culture will remain forever :)
Post a Comment